Paren & theses

Some think life is a cyclical event, without identifiable beginnings and endings, but perhaps elements of openings and closings that signify change but are part of a larger closed loop. Others think life is full of chapters, and that as one draws to a close, another is beginning to unfold. Always a middle of the roader, I find it to be a little of both. Recently, however, the cycle that is my life has seen a few more of those identifiable beginnings and endings emerge.

The first of these drawing to a close leading to a new beginning moments involves a simple phone call and chance meeting last week. I recently learned time is now ticking more than before as grad school draws closer. It is hard to say when I'll be ready to just be friends but in an effort to not jeopardize good enough in search of perfect, I decided it was time to be try to be friends. Sure, there'll be missteps and blunders, but an attempt at friendship is an essential new beginning with someone immeasurably important to my life. A walk together around Green Lakes exemplified all elements of this but as time waits for no one, it is time. This signifies both a theses and a paren.

The unseasonably warm weather lead to an opportunity to make late fall and early winter preparations. Part of these included removing the plants from the garden we planted together, recently weakened as water filled cells froze and ruptured. Ripping out these plants was another way of separating lives that were once so entwined. Who knows what will volunteer to sprout next year, but a theses.

On Thursday, we lost our dear friend and brewing mascot Maple to a tragic and shocking turn of events. Struck and killed in front of her home, she appears to have gone doing something she loved (and perhaps couldn't help) - following a scent. You will be missed, Maple. The lighting of the pyre and burning of the shovel was a fitting way to reflect on your life, the joy you brought to those who knew you, and to say good bye. A definite theses.

In a longer term theses, I finally unloaded a weighty symbol of young and ignorant love. Receiving a mere fraction of what I was led to believe it was worth, I am frustrated by the deception and construed value placed on love by our materialistic society. I am thankful, however, for the insight of hindsight, and the knowledge I've gained from this experience. A theses.

Some things, however, may not ever have any closure. Today is the 15th anniversary of my grandfather's passing. I think of him less frequently than I used to but am reminded of his contributions to my life through little things. The stacking of wood, the ring of a wind chime, the use of a hand tool, or the "Grandpa Logan move", which is achieved when running late for an event but having the good fortune of finding a parking space right up front. I hope to channel your friendliness by someday being able to walk into a room of strangers and leave knowing a little something about everyone. I know I am a long way off from this, but it would be a great thing to accomplish.

[An explanation for the title is probably necessary. One of my high school math teachers called the ( a paren and the ) a theses when trying to teach us how to properly insert parentheses into mathematical equations. Seemed appropriate here for some reason.]

[untitled]

It is 3 am and I am awake again
I should warn you I am a hopeless romantic
Born in July I am a Cancer 
They say the worst one can be if a guy
So each time I try to cut it out of me

My scars aren't visible
I can't pick up or set down the knife
You see the scars, the knife are in my head
The blood I spill is in an invisible pool that only the in the inner circle get to see
No I cut myself with an uncontrollable mind trying to feel
I wind up feeling too much, and mutilating myself 
and all I love in the process
I wish that was just me but who am I fooling

I know it is you and you and you and

I continue until it is too late
Like the dead horse with nothing left to give
I should have stopped but I couldn't
I didn't know how
Those who care asked, told, and even prayed but I just couldn't stop

And now it Is too late

You're gone
Without a love
And I'm backing away
Licking my wounds

Hoping to heal
Hoping to stop the bleeding
Hoping to set down this blade
Hoping to learn how to grow

Raspberry Nutella Ripple Ice Cream

I usually write about things I'm facing, thinking about, or adventures I've been on. I post infrequently, sometimes going many months between additions. This summer has been a challenge for many reasons and I've not shared much of it. I thought I'd add a post about a new adventure involving food. I've been having a busy month and not really felt up to venturing out much so this was an adventure I could complete from home.

For my birthday, my family got me an ice cream maker. I decided I wanted to start out simple, making something I estimated would be difficult to get wrong after I mucked up my first attempt at hard cheese - farmhouse cheddar. I made french vanilla for the first batch and it turned out pretty good so I decided to try something more challenging for the second batch - raspberry ice cream with Nutella ripple. I found a number of Nutella ice cream recipes but they were all blended like chocolate would be but I wanted to try something different as I am not a big fan of chocolate ice cream. I just finished putting it in the freezer so I haven't tried it yet but want to keep the recipe around in case there is need for improvements or to repeat.

Raspberry Ice Cream (modified from here)
1 10oz. bag frozen raspberries
2 c. whipping cream
2 c. half and half
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 1/3 c. sugar
2 eggs
pinch of salt

I basically followed the instructions in the link except that I (a) didn't defrost the raspberries so I (b) added water to the blender mixture to try to get them to process more effectively. Once they were pureed, I squeezed it through cheesecloth to remove the seeds. Due to the excess water, I stirred the custard over medium heat for an additional 15 minutes after adding in the raspberry puree to evaporate off excess water.

I modified the ripple recipe from here, as it was the first one I came to that didn't involve corn syrup. I had about 1/3 of a large container of Nutella in the cupboard so I added it to 3/4 c. of warm whipping cream and continued to heat it until the Nutella had melted. I cooled the mixture in the fridge but it hardened too much to easily pour into the ice cream so I heated it again to get it slightly viscous. After churning the ice cream, I poured about 1/3 of it into a container, then 1/2 of the Nutella mixture, repeating this until both were used up.

I also replaced the cables and housing on the mountain bike with teflon coated ones - a quick spin down the driveway indicated these will be much nicer to use! Now to make it to October when I'll finally again have the time (and I hope motivation) to capitalize on this investment.

One day at a time...

One day at a time... That's the quote a friend of mine lived by as he battled inoperable cancer, cancer that claimed his life this past week. While these words are always true, now more that usual I need to be living by them too.

I don't know what brought me to this place today but as I sit at the hang gliding launch high above Labrador Hollow, I am struck by the number of times this place appears in memories that standout in my life.

It was here that I took my first backpacking trip with SUOC, and learned that pot isn't just smoked by the younger generations.

It was here that I had my only major disagreement with one of my best friends, someone who has supported me unconditionally through the toughest moments of my life.

It was here that I brought the girl who, likely unbeknownst to her, helped me discover that it is okay to be in touch with emotions I'm more apt to keep buried very deep.

It was here that I came with the girl who I decided to share those emotions with despite knowing the inevitable would likely happen - she did warn me afterall.

It is here that I now sit reflecting on these times, and to try to focus on what's next now that the inevitable has happened. How does one untangle that which has been so intimately entwined with grace and humility heretofore unachievable in my relationships?

I'm told it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. As someone who would take physical suffering over emotional pain in every situation, I refute this statement with all I can muster. I am also told that I am a good person, and I need to find it in myself to have the confidence to believe this. Somehow I would like to find a way to distinguish being confident from being egotistical. I am told that I should find a woman who can meet me where I am in life, but just exactly where is that? I suppose that is what I need to focus on right now - where I am, what I want out of this journey, and how to begin making deliberate choices to continue to create the person who I want to be. No small task, for sure, but I believe I have a decent foundation to build from and remember, one day at a time...

A few ideas come immediately to mind, though they all challenge me to the core of who I am. One is to continue to try new things... step outside my comfort zone. I am pretty sure I am genetically predisposed to avoid this at all costs but over the past two years, I've enjoyed doing just this. Now I will need to push myself to take the road I am less likely to travel. Not all the time by often enough to keep things interesting. I think I see one of those roads from here.

Another is to create balance in my life between all the competing forces. Also no small task as I tend to be very focused on completing the task at hand without being aware of what is passing me by or slipping away. I've gotten a taste of what balance is like and have definitely enjoyed the rewards of this often elusive quality. Fortunately I've been blessed with a loyal group of friends, the type who you can go without seeing for months or years and when you get back together it is as if it was only yesterday you'd last spoken.

The last piece is to keep an eye on the destination but to more importantly enjoy the journey. It has been an amazing two years in which I've come to discover new things about myself and this crazy world. I'd never have experienced this without taking the risk, trying something new, and living in the moment for a little while.

To continue this journey, I will explore that new road I can see from here on my way home, on my way to one day at a time. 

Touching lives

After a long absence, I thought I'd dust this binary space off for some late evening reflection on some recent news that's gotten me thinking about the impacts we have on the lives around us, intentional or not.

Yesterday I learned that my father, a high school technology - although when he started it was industrial arts - teacher, decided to retire after 39 years. Pause for a moment and let that settle in... 39 years. In one job. A rough estimate is that he's taught approximately 4,500 high school students during this time (myself being one of them). He's taught sons and daughters of former students, and helped direct the lives of many a direction-seeking young adult. I don't know what many of his former students have gone on to do, but I am positive they all can look back on his class and see in some way, big or small, the impression it left on them. Some may have a very tangible reminder of the time spent with Dad, perhaps in the form of a beautiful piece of furniture they made, a boot-jack, or camp chair. Others may have gone on to pursue careers in architecture, construction, or radio broadcasting. All will likely remember the very funny or very terrible (depending on your viewpoint) jokes. He always says one of the incentives to pass his classes the first time is that the jokes don't get any better the second time around...

When I was still in school, he experienced probably one of the more difficult professional challenges of his career - a fight to save his job. There were some in the district that felt the courses he taught didn't belong in the "standard" curriculum and that students interested in taking these classes should do so only if they opted to enter into the "trades". This would have eliminated his position, and students who wanted to take both technical drawing or woodworking and chemistry or biology wouldn't be able to do so. I remember many a late-night meeting, and plenty of stressful months as this confrontation played out. In the end, the technology department prevailed and he kept his job. I am thankful for this because it meant that later I was able to gain a more well-rounded high school education by taking courses that provided hands-on as well as "passive" experiences.

So Dad, as you close out one chapter in your life, I'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you on behalf of all your former students for choosing the career path you did, and for taking the time to care passionately about us. I couldn't imagine for a moment being in a classroom of hormone-charged teenagers with power tools and coming out alive - and you've managed to do so for years on end, and succeeded in shaping lives along the way. Thank you.