One day at a time... That's the quote a friend of mine lived by as he battled inoperable cancer, cancer that claimed his life this past week. While these words are always true, now more that usual I need to be living by them too.
I don't know what brought me to this place today but as I sit at the hang gliding launch high above Labrador Hollow, I am struck by the number of times this place appears in memories that standout in my life.
It was here that I took my first backpacking trip with SUOC, and learned that pot isn't just smoked by the younger generations.
It was here that I had my only major disagreement with one of my best friends, someone who has supported me unconditionally through the toughest moments of my life.
It was here that I brought the girl who, likely unbeknownst to her, helped me discover that it is okay to be in touch with emotions I'm more apt to keep buried very deep.
It was here that I came with the girl who I decided to share those emotions with despite knowing the inevitable would likely happen - she did warn me afterall.
It is here that I now sit reflecting on these times, and to try to focus on what's next now that the inevitable has happened. How does one untangle that which has been so intimately entwined with grace and humility heretofore unachievable in my relationships?
I'm told it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. As someone who would take physical suffering over emotional pain in every situation, I refute this statement with all I can muster. I am also told that I am a good person, and I need to find it in myself to have the confidence to believe this. Somehow I would like to find a way to distinguish being confident from being egotistical. I am told that I should find a woman who can meet me where I am in life, but just exactly where is that? I suppose that is what I need to focus on right now - where I am, what I want out of this journey, and how to begin making deliberate choices to continue to create the person who I want to be. No small task, for sure, but I believe I have a decent foundation to build from and remember, one day at a time...
A few ideas come immediately to mind, though they all challenge me to the core of who I am. One is to continue to try new things... step outside my comfort zone. I am pretty sure I am genetically predisposed to avoid this at all costs but over the past two years, I've enjoyed doing just this. Now I will need to push myself to take the road I am less likely to travel. Not all the time by often enough to keep things interesting. I think I see one of those roads from here.
Another is to create balance in my life between all the competing forces. Also no small task as I tend to be very focused on completing the task at hand without being aware of what is passing me by or slipping away. I've gotten a taste of what balance is like and have definitely enjoyed the rewards of this often elusive quality. Fortunately I've been blessed with a loyal group of friends, the type who you can go without seeing for months or years and when you get back together it is as if it was only yesterday you'd last spoken.
The last piece is to keep an eye on the destination but to more importantly enjoy the journey. It has been an amazing two years in which I've come to discover new things about myself and this crazy world. I'd never have experienced this without taking the risk, trying something new, and living in the moment for a little while.
To continue this journey, I will explore that new road I can see from here on my way home, on my way to one day at a time.
