Out of key

I am playing in an orchestra but I don't know the composition.

I think I do, I want to believe I do; sometimes I can almost hear it before it begins to play.

These fleeting moments fade rapidly away into the din of the day.

I look for the conductor but the bright lights blind me.

I am forced to play my own ensemble.

Those who surround me seem to play in melodic harmony with each other, effortlessly following those who lead.

Why can't I? What's keeping me so out of tune, out of synch?

I try to anticipate the next notes.

Sometimes I am spot on but these moments are frustratingly very few and far between.

Usually my effort is premature or way too late.

Try as I might, I can't feel this music.

I want to.

I need to.

It eludes me.

This saddens me.

I keep trying but with each passing note, my hope drifts away.

The harder I play, I think, the more likely I am to find my place, my rhythm, my piece.

I know this is foolish.

When will I learn? I wonder daily.

Probably when it is too late, long after the music stops.

In the end, I am alone in the concert hall.

Dust settles in the room

Each particle caught in the currents of air created by the wake of depture

Lit by the stage lights, reflecting up the bright lights that shine down.

There is no crowd to please,

No conductor to follow,

No fellow musicians.

No, it is as it was when this all started.

one, alone.

It is not how I want it to be but, it seems, how it needs to be.