Last week I took a few days off to spend time with my brother while he was passing through town on his way from CO to ME. It was great to see him, spend time with all the family together, get in some good riding and a DMB show. Leaving work for a few days was good but I paid for it for most of this week (where the question comes from) by scrambling to answer emails, address questions, and get back up to speed on everything. Monday ended with the receipt an email informing me I had improperly filled out a form that jeopardizes our organization's next year of a federal grant. Fun. Needless to say, I was not in a good place. That day, I took advantage of the late sunset (8:41pm) to defrag the craziness, and frustration, by ripping through Green Lakes. Tasted a lot of blood - av'd 10.8 mph on a loop that I usually average 6 or 7. It felt great and even contained an experience that was symbolic of the day. As I was cruising through a corner, cranking to keep the momentum going, I caught a pedal, which resulted in me getting thrown to the ground. I haven't crashed in a while so it was a bit of a shock. But instead of dwelling on how I'd f'd up, I evaluated the situation - nothing broken, just some dirt tattoos - and got back on the bike, back up to speed, and on I went. Now to extrapolate said experience to the bigger picture... that would be nice.
[Break]
At times I feel like I stand at the very edge of a raging mudflow of activity. Creating its own gravity, this frenzy of activity generates more speed, and sucks in all it touches. Like standing on the edge of a train platform as the express rushes past, the compressed air at the front blowing me off my feet. But I don't, instead I get sucked into the vacuum in its wake. I struggle to right myself, grasping for stable objects. But everything is spinning, whirling, rushing, tumbling, sometimes faster, sometimes slower, but always moving. Caught in some twisted crazy game of Frogger, I flail erratically grasping, dodging, treading. Sometimes I reach a ledge, a safe zone to cling to momentarily, maybe even use all my strength to pull myself out of the torrent. In this space, I reflect. Never good, but done nonetheless. The allure of the current is too great, and I will inevitably be drawn back for another escapade.
[Break]
Do you ever wonder about the nature of deja vu? I know it is the experience of feeling like you are repeating an experience of something you have only done once. But for a while now I've had a different type of experience, one I don't feel is deja vu. I don't feel like I've experienced it before in real life, but I do feel like I've dreamt that I was going through whatever situation I am in. Unfortunately, these moments typically occur when I am not in a place to stop, soak in the surroundings, but it is a weird, curious, interesting feeling. They are usually mundane activities, like filling out papers, but infrequently these have involved people I meet for the first time ever or are reconnected to after many years apart. Maybe I should start recording my dreams to see if I am really experiencing these things or am just going further and further into the deep end.
And finally, why do I share these thoughts with who ever will read about it through zeros and ones? I used to burden people around me with this by talking to them. Now we talk about the weather. Strangers, friends, loved ones, read this as a grain of sand for I am but one insignificant molecule of an infinite organism.
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